Setting Boundaries In Friendships
Boundaries are like the guardrails when you're bowling—they're designed to keep your friendship out of the gutter. Setting boundaries in your friendships or relationships, in general, isn't always comfortable. Yet, they are the root of creating trust and intimacy in any relationship.
Why Setting Boundaries Is Important
Boundaries guide you and those around you on what's necessary to create a lasting connection with you. When you have established limits for yourself on what you will or will not permit, your body alerts you anytime a line is crossed. Those signals may come in the form of anger or pain and are there to let you know whatever just happened is not okay.
Too often, many will override these cues to avoid conflict or to spare someone's feelings. Unfortunately, this is a betrayal of your own needs and emotions. With time, you may resent the other person who may not even know they're doing anything wrong. Strong friendships are built on mutual trust and respect––all relationships are. Boundaries are the way to create that.
An Example Of Lack Of Boundaries
Imagine your friend has a hard time holding their alcohol. Every time you go out, you find yourself being the designated driver or babysitter. You're helping them walk, making sure they're okay while they vomit––you know, the usual. Your night is blown, and this isn't the first time.
Eventually, you avoid going out with them so that you can enjoy yourself without having to worry about what they're doing. They start to question why you're not spending as much time together. Rather than be upfront, you make excuses. Your friend feels neglected or even that you're hiding something. They decide not to invite you out moving forward. An otherwise good friendship fizzles out.
Setting Boundaries Without Being Controlling
Maybe you're just trying to let your friend do their thing. That's great, but you're also creating a space where you and your friend don't feel free to fully express themselves.
The best relationships aren't free of conflict. They're made up of people who have learned how to disagree or argue while remaining focused on resolving their issues.
Having boundaries is not about controlling how the other person behaves. They're not meant to be a punitive way to manipulate someone into doing what you want. They are intended to create a safe space where you feel heard, valued, and respected.
In the example, not having a conversation and fading away will hurt feelings and lead to resentment. You're not giving the other person the opportunity to meet your needs. This could be a coping mechanism developed to avoid disappointment if you have a history of your needs going unmet by the people closest to you.
What Boundaries To Set In A Relationship
How You Treat Each Other's Time
Saying No
Reciprocation In Effort and Energy
Respect Of What They/You Love And Value
Support Without Judgement
Respect Your Differences
Honesty
Steps To Setting Boundaries
Get Clarity
First, get clear on what is bothering you and why before communicating with anyone else. This will help you focus on the real issue. In the example, the problem isn't the drinking. The problem is how you're made to feel when you can't fully enjoy your night out (dismissed, frustrated, short-changed, etc.)
What changes would I like to see?
What emotion is driving my thoughts right now?
Would I want to continue this friendship if this person respects my boundary? Or am I moving on no matter the outcome?
Communicate
Have a conversation about how they're making you feel.
Am I asking for what I want directly?
Have I named my emotion(s) in the conversation?
What are some possible solutions?
Action
Give them time to adjust. Some things happen out of habit, or unconsciously, so it will take time to change. How much time you're willing to invest will vary depending on your relationship.
Some friendships are not built to last. That's okay. It's more important to have quality friendships and relationships that have mutual appreciation and respect. Suppose you're comfortable with the effort you've put into the relationship, and it hasn't paid off. In that case, it may be time to break off the friendship and go your separate ways.
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