Sharing your deepest—sometimes darkest thoughts and feelings with someone is just one of the ways that you can build intimacy. But, if the idea of telling your partner about Loli, the imaginary friend you created during your parent's divorce, leaves you feeling exposed in the worst way, no worries. There are plenty of other ways to create intimacy in a relationship.

The objective of intimacy is to build closeness and solidify a bond with another person. Though how you create and express that intimacy is a uniquely individual experience. For one person, it means they are allowing someone to meet their inner circle (friends, family, etc.). For another, it can mean engaging in a philosophical conversation about which John Wick movie was the best. So, how do you build intimacy in a relationship?

Before we get into the different types of intimacy styles, let me be explicit.

Intimacy and sex are not synonyms.

So, while intimacy can lead to fantastic sex, it's possible to have one without the other. Recognizing your style and that of others will help you tremendously in all relationships, not just romantic ones.

Types of Intimacy

Experiential: Created through shared experiences.

Intellectual: Getting to know how someone thinks and sharing ideas and philosophical viewpoints on who you are and life.

Emotional: Sharing personal details that you would not be comfortable telling many people or strangers.

Physical: Creating a closeness between bodies. Does not have to be sexual in nature, like when you lean on your friend's shoulder to tell them about your terrible week.

Spiritual: Can include religious beliefs, but also core values (i.e., kindness). You may have a shared mission for how you want to live your lives.

Fear of Intimacy and Commitment

I used to be so scared of commitment! The very idea of allowing myself to get closer to someone and develop feelings—or my least favorite four-letter word—a need for them almost broke me out in hives. I would panic anytime I felt love's gravitational pull.

The fear of commitment comes from the fear of loss. You're afraid of losing someone you love if it doesn't work out, your freedom, the ability to choose a better mate, etc.

HERE'S WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT COMMITMENT:

There's a 50/50 chance that a relationship will work out. If you're lucky, maybe a 60/40 percent chance in your favor. However, if you're not even willing to try, you're guaranteed a loss. And yes, not taking the risk does feel just as bad as losing.
In the right relationship, you will never feel like you're losing your freedom. The right person will support you, enhance your experiences, and help you build the life you both want. The right person is a partner, not a prison sentence.
You can ALWAYS choose a different partner. If you fear choosing the wrong partner, you probably aren't open enough to get to know one another and truly see if you're compatible. I'm not encouraging you to go into every relationship ready to pull the ripcord. However, knowing there's always an out is a comforting thought at the beginning of a relationship.

How to create intimacy with someone new?

There's no singular way to bond with someone, but the best way to get to know someone new is through experiential intimacy. Because an activity serves as a built-in buffer, you don't really need to share too much of yourself. As time goes on, and your level of comfort and trust deepens, you will seal your friendship or relationship through other forms of intimacy, but this takes time.

Pacing is essential at the beginning. If you take liberties with someone before they've given you the green light, you will fail miserably. Someone trying to sleep with you during the first hour of your date may turn you off. Yet, if that same person tried after giving you enough time to develop an interest, you'd be probably be all over it—and them. What you perceive as a lack of interest may be a matter of giving your partner more time to catch up. As long as things are progressing, you're golden.

Intimacy Issues In Marriage

One 2017 study found 15% of married couples reported sexlessness in the past year. However, sexlessness does not necessarily mean that these couples would agree that they lack intimacy. As I said, intimacy and sex are not synonyms.

However, it seems that for a lot of spouses, a lack of physical intimacy is due to a lack of connection through other means.

Experiential: Responsibilities, milestones, finances, etc. are not divided equally or responded to in the same way.

Intellectual: Couples no longer engage in conversations or have difficulty finding new topics to discuss.

Emotional: One or both spouses no longer feel safe to share their feelings or believe their partner will not be responsive.

Physical: Well, we know how that's going.

Spiritual: Couples may be heading in different directions on their values.

Is intimacy important in a marriage? YES!

With increasing responsibilities with work, kids, finances, and life in general, it can be challenging to connect one-on-one. Restarting your marriage—or keeping it alive—means each of you will need to own up to how you contribute to the current dynamic.

HERE ARE SOME INTIMACY TIPS TO HELP YOU GET STARTED:

Honesty

Be honest with your partner about what you want and how they are making you feel. Be upfront about your fears because you need to leave it all on the table or risk losing your relationship. Do not make the assumptions that they already know or understand how you feel. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't intentionally hurting you.

Compassion

You may not always agree with how your partner is feeling. That's alright; it isn't your place to decide whether or not your partner's feelings are valid.

Your partner's feelings are always valid.

You need to listen and understand why their perception is leading them to arrive at those feelings. Understanding their train of thought will help you understand and empathize with them.

Reciprocity

You can not expect your partner to open up to you if you aren't willing to do the same. So, if you want to increase intimacy, you may need to take the lead and show them how it's done. Of course, this should be done at a pace you're comfortable with, but don't forget about pacing. Sharing too much too soon may come across as a red flag to your partner.

How To Create Intimacy In a Relationship