Setting Healthy Boundaries With Teenagers
I’ve been working with teenagers for over twenty years. In all that time, I’ve learned one crucial thing about setting boundaries with them–you need to be grounded in yourself. Setting boundaries with your teenager or anyone is not happening if you are operating from the following:
Self-doubt on your opinions, needs, or plan of action.
Desire to be liked over being respected.
Unwillingness to follow through with consequences or support.
Expecting what you are not willing to give.
If you struggle with these, you likely struggle in general to establish boundaries–not just with your kids. You can’t be afraid to upset others by have standards they need to meet.
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Understanding Boundaries
When it comes to behavior, boundaries are the invisible limits for activity. So, when someone’s activity crosses your boundaries (i.e. yelling at you), your activity then also has to change. This helps create a structure where children can learn about respect, personal space, and limits.
I also tell clients, “You cannot hold people accountable for what you don’t communicate.” Unacceptable behavior that goes unchecked will continue to escalate. As a parent, understand that you are setting the tone for your relationship with your child.
You are the model for these limits, so you have to identify when a boundary has been crossed, why it’s important, and how it will change YOUR behavior.
“Boundaries are about self-respect, not controlling anyone else. When someone crosses you, you change your behavior not demand that they change theirs.”
Example: Your teen yells at you.
You maintain a normal volume, but your tone changes from friendly to stern. This already indirectly communicates a change in your behavior.
You: “Yelling isn’t getting your point across because I’m now focused on the fact that you’re yelling at me and not what you are saying. If you continue to yell, the conversation will end and I won’t be able to help you until you can speak to me with respect.”
It’s important not to have expectations of them that you yourself are not living up to. Meaning that if you are constantly yelling at them, it’s unfair to expect them not to yell back at some point.
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Tips For Healthy Boundaries With Teenagers
Communication
Manage your expectations when it comes to children. Don’t assume that they should just know how to handle certain situations or how to articulate themselves when they are angry or stressed.
If this isn’t something they're used to, you will have to communicate and reinforce the behavior you want to see from them often.
For parents and guardians of teenagers, it’s important to acknowledge when we have a hard time communicating and why that may be the case.
Early in my career, I remember one of my students once said to me, “Miss, it’s not just the what, I need to know the why and how.” That stuck with me because adults often just want kids to do things “because I said so!” What does that really teach them? To follow blindly and never really know if they are on the right path
2. Consistency
Don’t expect one behavior today and a different behavior tomorrow for similar situations. It’s unfair to keep changing the goal post on them. If you do need to change things up every now and then, explain why the change is happening. Keeping them in the loop shows them respect, models goods behavior, and saves everyone time.
3. Progressive Consequences
There has to be a spectrum of consequences. There are different consequences for coming home ten minutes late versus three hours late. Define and agree on consequences with your partner or co-parent beforehand, so you have go-to responses so you can address behavior immediately.
4. Respond Timely
If you want behavior to change, it needs to be addressed in a timely manner. Don’t punish children for something they did three weeks ago. This shows poor communication and inconsistency. Chances are, they’ll get away with it because you’ll either forget or think, “It’s too late now, so I’ll address it next time.” That is unchecked behavior and next time it may be worse.
5. Praise
When you’ve seen a positive change in them, let them know. Call out the good things too. It’s so frustrating to only be addressed when something isn’t right. Celebrate the good things often to reinforce the behavior.
6. Modeling
As Gandhi said, “be the change you want to see in the world.” Everyday you leave your fingerprint on your child, which is why it’s so hard to deal with them sometimes. The more they’re like you, the more you’ll butt heads. If they are holding up a mirror, it’s time to have a hard conversation with yourself.
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Honoring and Adjusting Boundaries With Your Kids
Things will change with your child’s developmental stage and as they gain more experience. Learning to respect your child’s opinion, even when it differs from yours, isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Setting boundaries with teens isn’t just about how they treat you, it’s about how they learn to set their own boundaries with others–and that starts with you.
