Living With Your Ex? Here's How to Keep Things Civil
In a perfect world, you and your partner’s shared decision to call it quits would end with a clean break. Unfortunately, when it comes to couples who have been sharing a space together, this is where things can get tricky.
It might not be super realistic for one (or both of you) to immediately find a new living situation, whether that’s due to financial constraints or just a lack of time to pack up and house hunt. But while living with your ex as a roommate can be pretty awkward for many reasons,experts say there is a way to keep the peace. In fact, this transition period from lovers to strictly pals may even help to soften the blow of the split, offering up time to accept this change and feel a sense of closure before you move on with your lives.
Of course, that all depends on two things: how the breakup went down, as well as how you’ve come to establish boundaries at home. If the breakup was a mutual decision, it’ll obviously be a lot easier to be roomies than if one person blindsided the other. That said, regardless of how or why your relationship came to a close, the short and sweet answer here is yes, it is totally possible to make a shared living situation work.
Read on to figure out how to keep things civil on the homefront when you’re broken up with someone but still living together.
Maintain R-E-S-P-E-C-T
“To continue living together peacefully, everything you do must be grounded in respect,” explains Pricilla Martinez, life coach and founder of Regroop.
If you had a chores schedule while you were together, keep fulfilling your responsibilities. Ask your ex if it’s OK before inviting your buddies over. And choosing immature behaviors like giving them the silent treatment, being passive-aggressive, or interrogating them about their dating life is not a good look. The more you show respect, the more likely they are to do the same.
Shift Your Expectations
While you and your ex are living together, it may take some time for it to sink in that you’re actually broken up since you’re still seeing them on a regular basis. That said, if you don’t adjust your expectations and how you see the new dynamics of the relationship moving forward, it’ll be hard to have a healthy setup at home.
“Understand that you are no longer entitled to the privileges that came with being in a relationship,” says Martinez. “They aren't required to check in with you or wait for you to watch the latest episode of your favorite show. Most of all, you are most definitely not entitled to sleep with them just because the accessibility is there. Unless you are both truly interested in exploring a reconciliation, avoid anything that makes where you stand unclear. Think of them as your roommate, but with a higher level of respect and boundaries.”
Set Clear Boundaries
While boundaries are key in any romantic relationship, they'll be extra crucial once you’re living together as exes. Setting them is the only way to avoid misunderstandings that lead to unintentional hurt feelings.
“You want to be mindful of their space, both physically and emotionally,” Martinez tells AskMen. “If you're happily moving on, don't rub in their face how much better life is without them. If you've started dating, think about the emotional impact that will have on them. You don't have to hide your life entirely, but you also don't have to share every detail of it either.”
In other words, you might want to have a conversation about what is and isn’t OK while you’re living together. How do you feel about them bringing home a date? What about having someone sleep over? Would you prefer not to discuss those things with each other? As awkward as these conversations may feel at first, gaining clarity will allow you to be more respectful of each other — all things that, as we’ve already established, are paramount to making this work.
Devise a Long-Term Plan
Living with an ex can be pretty daunting if there’s no end in sight. How can you possibly think about your own future if you’re constantly having to face a piece of your past on a daily basis?
“You are both going to need a plan to go your separate ways fully,” says Martinez. “Have a timeline for moving out. Together, figure out how you will split the bills in the meantime. Think about what you'll need financially to make a move happen. And whatever you do, don't get comfortable in relationship purgatory.”
Even if it’s not feasible for you to move out right this minute, it’s a good idea to start figuring out what steps you’ll need to take to make that possible. Let your ex know that you’re keeping an eye out for affordable living spaces, and ask them to keep you in the loop about their efforts, too. If you both know that your living situation is only temporary, you may find it’s a lot easier to be courteous and kind toward each other.
Seeing your ex regularly may be confusing and even painful at times, with Martinez noting that it’s totally natural to wonder that “what if?” scenario with occasional pangs of jealousy. Still, continuing to live under the same roof gives you the luxury of more time to process and accept why things worked out the way they did. And that in itself is a gift.
